TRUST & THE BLAME GAME

Haven't you ever wanted to tell your partner this: "You'd better not screw this one up." This would be after you had given him another chance at the relationship.
We're assuming, of course, that he has not so far screwed up the relationship.
But, really, how can you tell him that without sounding menacing. And men don't like to be "menaced" about. They don't like any ego-deflating action against them. Their machismo or macho-ness threatened.
But, it is what you want to tell him. Don't bloody screw up this time.
There's a better idea, so someone told me, but one that may not agree with your feminist side.
A well-meaning old aunt had this advice -- "be sweet and desirable for him when you are with him, take care of yourself, make sure you are always smelling good and delicious and pretend he aint yours the minute he steps out of your house."
It makes perfect sense -- if you are his sex slave!
See, I believe that physical intimacy is very very important in a relationship. In fact, let's be real, it is the nourishment, the fulfilment. Without physical intimacy between two people in love, then you just have friendship.
But, it takes two to tango, it takes two to make it happen and un-happen.
You love me, warts and all, as I love you, warts and all and over time, flab and all.
That is not to say, that after 10 years with a man, I will let myself go. That I will not take care of myself physically, because he has to love me for me and for what I am and have become, and everything that is in and with me, including that 5-inch of fat & flab I have accumulated since we first fell in love.
Of course, I will take care of myself as I expect him to do as well. Not for anything else save for health reasons.
Oh yes.I will be sweet with him as he should be with me. And I will be smelling so good for him because I feel good being so.
But, I should not think of him as mine the minute he disappears from sight?
Er, aunty, no can do!
It is not an issue of ownership. Oh, I sound like an old record. I'll say it again. It is about trust.
The minute he walks out the door, I cannot be with him but I have to trust him to not be flirting like there is no tomorrow.
That's the deal we have made. I have kept my end of the bargain. I suppose I have to trust him to keep his end, although I am fully aware that men will be men. But at the same time deluding myself that my man aint like the rest.
I remember a little family conversation I heard when I was not-so-young.
An aunt said that a certain female relative whom we shall call Lucia, had it coming (read:hubby having an affair and planning to divorce her) because she had "not been taking care" of herself and of him.
"She always looks a mess. What do you expect when he comes home and sees her looking like that, smelling of fried onions and garlic? She is always cooking the same dishes for him."
The teenager in me thought that that was a sure-fire way to lose your man, that men value looks and physical appearance more than sacrifices from a woman. That men want their women to look like Raquel Welch (she was the babe in those days) and be like Barbie dolls.
Because I thought Lucia was such a devoted wife, slaving at home for her man, and he did not and could not appreciate that?
Anyway, the young and naive woman that I was gave a tongue-lashing to Lucia's husband the next time I saw him.
Today, if someone told me that her husband or partner was having an affair and was going to divorce her, I would, first and foremost, NOT judge her, nor her hubby/partner, then tell her that only she knows her man to know whether or not he is worth keeping.
Someone I know did something I thought I would do if I found my hubby playing the field.
Having heard that her hubby had a mistress, she caught him in a car with the scarlet woman, followed him, crashed into his car, got into the backseat of his car and attacked the woman who was in the front seat.
To cut the story short -- he did not immediately leave his mistress but did later on. Wifey forgave him, methinks.
Between wife and mistress -- wife was a beauty-with-brains woman and mistress was a little bit of both.
Dunno what went wrong. But that was 20 years ago. They're still together.
Moi? When hubby had an affair, I just told him to get the hell out of my life. No mercy. Meow.