(source: Woman's Day)
Can you spot a husband prone to infidelity? If he's unhappy with his wife, he'll cheat, right? Not necessarily. According to a Rutgers University study,
56% of men who have affairs claim to be happy in their marriages.
They're largely satisfied with all they have and aren't looking for a
way out, yet they still find themselves in bed with other women-and in
hot water with their wives. Here, experts explain this phenomenon and
dispel other popular cheating myths.
Related: Check out the 11 signs that he might be having an affair.
Fact #1: Most men are still in love with their wives when they cheat.
Men who cheat haven't fallen out of love; they've become unsatisfied
with the current state of it. "Cheating usually occurs in the phase of
companionate love, when couples begin to settle down, have kids and
solidify the life being built together," says clinical psychologist
Andra Brosh, PhD. While they're fulfilled in some areas, like being a
provider, the romance may be missing. "We more often think of women
complaining about a lack of romance, but men feel it, too," says Dr.
Brosh. "They frequently suffer in silence, believing they can't get what
they want from their spouses." To avoid this in your marriage, plan
nights out together, set aside time for sex and discuss hopes and dreams--not just workdays and your son's last soccer game.
Fact #2: Men usually cheat with women they know.
Cheaters don't generally pick up random women in bars. "My first
husband cheated on me with a childhood friend," says Diane* from New
York City. "His family was close to her family, so they never lost touch." Intimacy expert Mary Jo Rapini explains, "A lot of
women think that all cheating women are floozies-not true. The
relationships are usually friendships first." In fact, more than 60% of
affairs start at work, according to Focus on the Family.
A good idea: Make sure your husband feels more connected to you than to
his business partner. "Spouses go to work, take care of their kids and
do separate things at night. That has to stop," says Rapini. She
suggests always going to bed at the same time and cuddling.
Related: Find out the 10 things your husband's friends are hiding from you.
Fact #3: Men cheat to save their marriages.
"Men love their spouses, but they don't know how to fix their
relationship problems, so they go outside their marriages to fill any
holes," says licensed marriage and family therapist Susan Mandel, PhD.
Men want it all and have the skewed notion that another woman will make
the longing for something more disappear. Then, they can live happily
ever after with their wife--and their mistress--without confronting the
real issues.
Fact #4: Men hate themselves after affairs.
You may think of cheaters as men without morals, but while they may
like what they did, they tend to despise themselves after their
indiscretions. "If he puts his ego to the side, he'll feel like a piece
of garbage," says relationship expert Charles J. Orlando, author of The Problem with Women...Is Men.
"After all, he's betraying another human being who he claims to care
about, so that takes its toll on every part of his psyche." A cheater
can feel as though he's failed as a man.
Fact #5: Cheaters often get friskier with their wives when affairs begin.
Just because a husband's touchy-feely doesn't mean his marriage is on
firm footing. "When a man starts cheating, he becomes hyperactive
sexually," says Rapini, explaining that his sex drive has been awakened,
and his wife is still the one with whom he feels most comfortable
sexually. If you notice a sudden change in your husband's sex drive, it
should raise a red flag. Be on the lookout for the switch to flip off
again. "After the affair is solid, he may begin to pull away," says
Rapini.
Related: Discover 10 things men wish women knew about sex.
Fact #6: Women cheat just as much as men, and their affairs are more dangerous.
An Indiana University study
shows that men and women cheat at the same rate. But "the reasons the
sexes cheat are different," says Orlando. He explains women are more
likely to cheat for emotional satisfaction. "Online cheating--without
any physical contact--is the most damaging type of infidelity," says
Orlando. Becoming emotionally invested in another person means you've
likely checked out of your marriage. But if it's just sex, it's less
about attachment and more about a hurtful mistake.
Fact #7: A wife often knows her husband's cheating.
How could Tiger Woods's ex, Elin Nordegren, and Arnold Schwarzenegger's
ex, Maria Shriver, not have known what their high-profile husbands were
up to? They probably did, but couldn't bear to acknowledge it. "At one
level, I knew, but my denial was so strong," says Lily* from Toronto,
Canada. "The pain, had I accepted it at that time, would have been too
horrendous, so I had to process it slowly." According to Dr. Brosh, the
jilted celebrities were likely doing the same thing: choosing what they
could live with for the sake of their kids or to avoid humiliation and
the fallout.
Fact #8: A couple will never work it out when the husband is in the midst of an affair.
They could agree to work on things, but it won't matter. If he's still
in the throes of a hot, new romance, nothing a woman does will drag him
out of it. "He's got such positivity happening, without all the drama
that exists in the established relationship," says Orlando. The marriage
will likely fail, unless he decides on his own accord that life isn't
better with the other woman. So the key is prevention. Continue to be
the woman he first fell for throughout your marriage. "Women often turn
from a loving girlfriend into a nagging wife. Men aren't attracted to
that." Dole out compliments and surprise him with sex--don't just yell at him about that towel on the bathroom floor, suggests Dr. Mandel.
Fact #9: Affairs can often fix a marriage.
Is infidelity the kiss of death for a couple? Not always. Although a
new relationship is exciting, "an affair can rekindle the marriage,"
says Orlando. "Men realize who they want for the rest of their lives and
that the new relationship isn't as perfect as they thought." But think hard before returning
to a cheater. "Flings can highlight how little self-control someone
has," explains Orlando. Still, if it was truly a one-time slip, it's
possible to get back on track.
Monday, October 22, 2012
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